Lifting Others Up

“Before we leave, I need to thank that man,” said six-year-old Ela. Her babysitter assumed the man was a family friend. So before exiting the restaurant, the young girl headed over to the man wearing his army fatigues and eating a taco.

“Hi,” she said. “My name is Ela. Thank you for fighting for our country.”  That was all.  No prodding, no instruction. All on her own, a six-year-old girl took the initiative to encourage a stranger.  The soldier could hardly believe it. The babysitter could hardly believe it! She watched while her small charge and the burly soldier engaged in a brief conversation. Then Elas turned and was ready to leave. Her business was finished.

How does that happen? How does a six-year-old know to show honor to a stranger? Does it just happen? No, it happens because Jason and Daniela consistently teach their young daughter to be on the lookout for people she can honor. Ela is eager to lift the spirits of others…whether or not her parents are present.

Encouragement breathes life into people. It gives them a second chance.  When our kids were younger and our family would pull up to school or to someone’s home, Beth or I would say, “Let’s have our antennae up!”  This was code language for “Look for ways God can use you to encourage someone.”  Planting seeds in your children’s minds gives them an awareness of the role they can play in honoring others.

(Excerpt from RECENTLY RELEASED How to Raise Selfless Kids in Self-Centered World)

NEW RELEASE: How to Raise Self-less Kids in a Self-Centered World

Remember studying Pavlov’s experiments in psychology class?  Ring the bell, put out the food.  Ring the bell, put out the food.  Doesn’t take long before the dog starts salivating at the first ring of the bell whether or not the food is there.  It’s called conditioning.

And we condition our children.  We teach our sons and daughters what to expect by the way we treat them.  If they’re constantly surrounded by a gushing audience, constantly told how wonderful they are, how will they learn to put others first?  If everything they want magically appears on a silver platter, how are they going to learn the value of work and sharing and generosity?

No wonder American children grow up with an ego-driven worldview where everything centers around their selfish desires.  No wonder your four-year-old throws tantrums, and your fourteen-year-old thinks the universe revolves around him.

Maybe your puppies are salivating because you keep ringing the bell.  What will it take to turn the tide of selfishness–both for us and for our families?  Well, it’s a process. It will demand intentional teaching, frequent modeling, and a lot of time.  And if you do, I promise you that you will reap rewards for many years to come.

It won’t be easy.  But it will have an ongoing effect in the lives of our children and grandchildren.  It will leave a rich legacy for those who come after us.  It might even change the world.

-Excerpt from the just released, How to Raise Self-less Kids in a Self-Centered World

NOW available on Amazon.com  (Available in Bookstores on April 3rd) {CLICK HERE}

Till Death Do Us Part

For a family to experience joy, there needs to be a firm foundation of security.  Nobody can enjoy life to the fullest if everyone is walking on eggshells, wondering what’s going to happen next, afraid that, with one wrong move, everything could fall apart.  True joy in a family is founded on security.  Your children need to know that this is their family and, Lord willing, it won’t be changing.

But how do you build that kind of security in the home?

Like every other good gift of a godly family, security starts with the parents.  Divorce may be a fact of life in our society, but it doesn’t need to be an inevitability.  Take that option off the table in your marriage.  Your child needs to see you communicating and working out differences in the marriage relationship.  Remind yourself that, while you have many options for conflict resolution, you don’t have a back door.  You don’t escape when the going gets tough.

Children need to see their parents interacting, enjoying each other’s conversation and company.  They need a model of faithfulness and healthy negotiation of differences.  Any you need it too.  It’s not just “for the kids” that you work on your marriage; it’s so that you can experience the fullness of joy that comes after you’ve done the difficult work of resolving conflicts.

Ephesians 4:26 reminds us, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”  Beth and I have tried to live by that verse.  When something’s wrong, we talk it out, and we don’t go to bed until it’s settled.  The principle has worked quite well for us.  Although there was that one time we stayed up for two weeks…

But it’s a good rule to live by.  Daily maintenance keeps you from having to do major renovations.  Own your mistakes.  Ask forgiveness and honestly share your feelings and fears with each other.  Be real.  Let your kids know that your marriage is important enough to invest in for the long haul.

(from Chapter 3 in Building Family Ties- Continue reading Chapter 3 for encouragement to single parents and practical ways you can work to give your children that sense of family security.)

The Task Before Us

Here’s my question for you: Are you a parent who just happens to be a Christian, or are you a Christian who just happens to be a parent?  A Christian family doesn’t magically and instantly appear because we wish it into existence.  We have to be serious about the task of passing on our faith, about living the way God calls us to live-not just when others are looking, but all day, every day.

If you’re like me, you’re probably uncomfortably aware of inconsistencies in your parenting and pockets of hypocrisy in your personal life.  You can’t undo past mistakes; it’s impossible to unscramble eggs.  But remember Romans 8:1: “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

God is more concerned with your direction than He is your perfection.

He’s looking for consistency and integrity.  Not pretend religion but genuine faith and trust.

So if you’re feeling the strain of your own imperfections, confess to God your inconsistencies, those moments of phoniness that have sent the wrong message to your children.  Ask God to help you become authentic and genuinely sold out to Him.  The world doesn’t need chameleon parents who simply blend in with their surroundings.  Your kids need to see you living what you believe.

None of us is perfect- far from it.  But we can be genuine and maturing in our relationship with God.   We can live our faith with integrity and authenticity.  And we can pass that faith on to the next generation.

We can be people who love the Lord and live like it, no matter who is watching.

Serving Together Deepens Faith

The single biggest “sticky” factor for faith taking root in children is the experience of serving alongside their parents.  It may be baking cookies for a neighbor, a spring break mission trip with “The Fam,” or canvassing your neighborhood and picking up trash.

What you choose to do isn’t important.

Who you do it with is.

Why?  Because serving gets you out of your comfort zone, and it can be quite humbling.  Getting your hands dirty removes the layers of pretension and pride which so many spectator Christians have.

When you serve, you start to look like Jesus.  The king of the universe left heaven and came to Earth to wash feet and touch lepers.  It’s a riches-to-rags story if there ever was one.  In an effort to model the way for His disciples, Jesus washed their feet.  He said, “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45).

Some of my greatest memories with my family revolve around service.  Together we worked on a Habitat for Humanity home.  We served Thanksgiving meals for three days in a parking lot following Hurricane Katrina.  With my two youngest, we shared food with a group of homeless people with whom we’d eat, laugh, and pray.

Every act of service your family does together will bear fruit in your offspring.  Any time you step out of the spotlight and focus on meeting the needs around you, you are modeling for your kids true Christianity.

Spontaneity

The great preacher Vance Havner, known for his incisive one-liners, said, “A rut is nothing but a grave with both ends kicked out.”  If you want to get your family laughing, you’ve got to get out of that rut. Be spontaneous.  Change things up.

When I was very young our family would take off in the car for our summer vacation in the family station wagon.  After a while Dad would get a worried look on his face.  “Oh no!” he’d say.  “There’s something wrong with the steering wheel of the car.  I can’t control where it’s going.”

After the first few times this happened, we would start giggling, because we were familiar with the script, and we loved the ending.  But Dad would stay in character; he’d turn down some street, shouting, “What’s happening?  The car is out of control!”  In a matter of seconds he would pull the car into some remote Dairy Queen restaurant that he’d masterfully located.

If you have young kids, some of your spontaneous activities will not require much advance planning.  Take advantage of that luxury now!  Come bedtime, say, “Get your PJs on and meet me at the car.  We’re going to the drive-through at Krispy Kreme doughnuts.”  Or, on the spur of the moment, surprise the kids with an overnight campout.  Pitch a tent in the yard and make s’mores on the grill.

Unfortunately, the older the child gets, the more reluctant we parents are to risk doing something spontaneous.  We fear having our crazy whims backfire, and so we’re hesitant to step out in faith.  We struggle to keep up with what our kids like this week- or maybe even this afternoon!  But don’t let it keep you from taking some risks and raising the joy quotient for your family.  And remember that even when you get it right, your teens may never let on that they’re really having fun.

Here’s a radical concept: In order for your family to have fun together, they must spend time together.  So get out of your comfort zone and breathe life, joy, and camaraderie into your family.

(Building Family Ties with Faith, Love and Laughter)

Word Power

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

That may be the biggest lie ever foisted on children.  Words hurt.  A broken bone will heal.  But sometimes the wounds from cruel words linger for decades.

Some time ago I was on a retreat with my staff.  Together we shared some of the more painful and damaging comments that came from our parents.  I was at a loss to come up with one, but plenty of people there struggled to narrow down their choices.

The following list is real.  They are painful. They’re like a ticking hand grenade lobbed from parent to child.

• “You’ll never get a date if you don’t lose that weight.”
• “You can’t do anything right.  I wish I’d never had you.”
• “You’re so dumb, boy; step aside, I’ll do it.”
• “Too bad you’re not as pretty as your sister.”
• “Face it, you will never amount to anything.”

Some of those comments dated back more than half a century, but the effect was as fresh and raw as if the words had been uttered yesterday.

Forgiven?  Perhaps.

Forgotten?  Never.

As parents, we are responsible for the verbal climate in our families.  It’s up to us to create situations and settings where family members say uplifting and affirming comments to one another rather than words that are demeaning and hurtful.  In the car, around the dinner table, in all sorts of situations in everyday life, words can cut and scar, or they can mend and heal.

Take an interest in one another’s lives.  Applaud those in your family whose words lift up others.  Positivity generates joy.  Raise your kids to care about their siblings and genuinely celebrate with one another.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”  Ephesians 4:29

What Matters Most- Guest Post

“Boy, he loves kicking his legs in the water. Do I see an Olympic swimmer in the future?”

“He sure has long fingers, maybe we will finally have a piano player in the family.”

“Wow, you love to jump, jump, jump. Are you going to be a hurdler like your Aunt?”

“His laugh is contagious. He is going to grow up and be a comedian! Funny just like his grandpa.”

“You sure are an active little guy. Won’t be long, you will be speeding around the bases or running into the end zone for a touchdown!”

I have made and heard these casual comments about my little 8-month-old boy. All parents hear similar phrases about their children. Some may share them with others over casual chitchat or with doting ladies in the grocery aisle. These sweet and harmless comments make me dream of the future. Will I be cheering from the fence as he crosses the finish line? Will he look up at me in the stands before hitting a home run? Will he try his new jokes on our family before heading onto the stage?

The days to come will be so wonderful; we can’t wait to see how he grows and what he becomes. But as we plot and plan, dream and contemplate, how does our Father view our comments?

Is He watching your energetic child excited about their potential success in a sport? Possibly. Is He seeing a future politician or speaker as your girl engages a crowd and commands attention? Perhaps. Is He frustrated watching us dream of athletic talent and worldly success, disappointed as we limit our child’s talents to that of this world? Probably.

In my dad’s book, Raising Your Kids to Love the Lord, he writes:

“Make no mistake, your sons and daughters will follow your lead and live up to your expectations. If through your parenting you imply that the aim of adulthood is a high-paying job or an expensive house, your children are likely to pursue those goals with more vigor than they pursue their faith. There’s nothing wrong with having a college degree or a nice house, of course. Those things aren’t sinful- they’re just things. And like all things, they must be secondary to loving the Lord. Everything else pales in comparison to a personal relationship with Christ.”

The melodies of a pianist and the speed of an athlete are both talents God uses and gives to some. But they are never given to an individual to feed their pride and boost their ego. God gifts His children for Kingdom-platform purposes only.

When I see my son making people laugh… may I pray that God would use his joy to shine His light in front of others.

When I watch his energetic spirit, may I encourage him to run with that same energy to those in need.

And when he swims and kicks, may I give him a dream of the Olympics, not for a medal but for a larger platform to share the name of Christ.

They may be young and oblivious to the harshness of this world, but may our children grow to utilize the unique DNA they have been given to stand and proclaim Christ. That’s all that matters.

-Savannah Garcia

(Dave Stone’s oldest daughter, Savannah, lives in Dallas with her husband, Patrick, and son,

John Ryman as they serve in ministry at Compass Christian Church.)

Consistent Living

When parents are fleshing out their faith and living out their days with joy and honesty, their children will be attracted to it.  Children want something that is real; they want to follow someone who is genuine.  Your example- in victories and challenges, in successes and sins, in forgiveness and accountability- can lead them toward an authentic relationship with the Lord.

But your faith must be both a noun and a verb.  It can’t be all talk.  It’s who you are and how you conduct yourself, consistently, daily.  It’s how your actions grow out of your identity in Christ.

It’s the way you act when you are miles away from your family on a business trip.  it’s how you respond when you are the object of advances from a coworker.  It’s what you say when a neighbor gossips or a boss pressures you to fudge on the budget.

Character is who you are when no one’s watching.

But count on it, your kids will watch.  They’ll pick up a wandering eye or little white lies.  They’ll sense deception if you try to paint a rosy picture of your marriage when it’s more thorns than flowers.  They see how you are in private and in public.  When you live under the same roof, it’s hard to hide the glaring inconsistencies.

I’ve heard it a thousand times.  A child takes an unwise detour in high school or college, and the parents come to me saying, “We don’t understand.  We raised him in the church.”

And I want to ask, “But what did you model for him in the home?”

Chris Dewelt, professor of missions at Ozark Christian College in Joplin, Missouri, put it like this:

I am to be the same person whether I am holding a communion tray in my hand or a remote control.  I am to be the same person whether I am in a hotel room five hundred miles from home or in the family room with my kids.  I am to be the same person when I am reading my Bible or browsing through a bookstore.  I am to be the same person whether I am on break at work or if I am walking through the sanctuary of my church.  For what matters is my integrity, my purity, and my faithfulness.

“Praise the LORD, all you nations; Extol him, all you peoples.  For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever.”  Praise the Lord.  Psalm 117

Spittin’ Image

“Dave, who do you think the baby looks like?”

An awkward silence follows.  You might call it a pregnant pause.

Now I have a few talents: Ping-Pong, juggling, golf, and standing on my head for two minutes.  But if I show up in the maternity ward, please don’t ask me to determine who your baby looks like.

If I say, “He looks like his mother,” everyone in the room will chuckle, and my wife will quickly say, “Look again, He’s got his daddy’s chin.”  At that moment I’m thinking to myself, Their chins look nothing alike.  His dad Steve has a goatee.

Winston Churchill had it right when he said, “All babies look like me.”

But not forever.  Time passes, little Jackson goes through his growth spurt, and fills out, and years later it’s a different story.  He walks across the room, turns to his friend and smiles, and suddenly it’s all there.  The eyes, the smile, the chin- he’s the spittin’ image of his father.

It’s an odd choice of words, isn’t it?  ”The spittin’ image.”

Some sources claim that the phrase refers to a child displaying both the internal qualities of the parents (the spit) and the physical likeness (the image).  Others believe the expression is a corruption of “spirit and image”- a child is identified as the “spirit and image” of the father or mother.

Either way, it’s a spiritual goal worthy of our effort- to reflect the qualities and likeness of our heavenly Father to pass that “spirit and image” on to our children.

But that raises the question: how closely do you resemble your heavenly Father?  Is the similarity obvious to those around you?  As a parent, you have been handed a position and privilege that allows you to shape your child’s view of God.  If your life doesn’t reflect the character of the Lord you claim to follow, then don’t bet the farm that your kids’ will.

But if the image of God is evident in you, it’ll be easier for your kids to follow in your footsteps of faith.